It Starts

...As I had written in my first attempt at coming out and presenting the woes and throws of an ex-inmate caught up in "the world" and what it has been like for me, a new chapter in that journey has begun! I sit and listen, look and analyse information and I have come to the conclusion that the world is not ready for change and rehabilitation. All it takes is a front page murder, crime, nasty, or bad land...report and out come the claws, the jaws and teeth. They may have gone to church on Sunday to pray for all the lost only to come to work on Monday to start criticising the subhuman breed, prime time geniuses call, criminals. Still I move through this clatter of noise and hypocrisy that sickens me! But this cant be how everone views ME. In the staffroom my past is gone we laugh, you share your fears, wants and dreams with me not knowing I was and I am that front page headline.

This week has been the worst week of my life as a conformed and straight member of society. I had to leave work at lunch time to come home and cry! I cried like I've never before, the hurt and the disbelief almost tipping me over the edge! If it wasn't for my wife, my children and my faith, my old self was itching to creep out of it's shell and cause havoc again. I was and am still a mess. Trying to process, reprocess all that has happened and continue to maintain the right choice for the right outcome because it is require of me. (man I love the psychology of it all)

What happened was one of those moments that for me questioned the whether or not I have been doing the right thing? I know I have but there are those who just wont let go! I questioned all that I am today and was prepared to take that little step back. The step back was in my mind and I went through the scenario of how I wold have dealt with it and to be honest, I felt satisfaction and was please with the result, the effect and the pain that I had inflicted......

...why? 4 weeks ago a cousin I grew up with and was very close to committed suicide after attempting to kill his wife. My understanding is he had her all linched up and ready to commit the final act when something clicked and he let her go. the result was that he drove off somewhere and commited suicide! No on in my family told me. I found out online that the police were looking for him so I called one of my other cousins who let me know what happened...he pointed out that he was wondering why I wasnt up for the funeral and aksed my brothers if I knew? to no avail! While I was dealing with this news I decided to ask my brother why I hadn't been contacted and I got some lame excuse. This wasnt the end of the bad news!! While talking with my brother I also found out that inheritence from my grandmother who passed away last year was handed out by my uncle and guess what?........

....Yep you guessed it! He felt that becasue of my past, my past!! that I deserved nothing! Yep even after all I've done to now to make things right, still people hold on!! The real sad thing was that my nana and papa loved me and were proud of where I am today! As for my uncle and my lame weak brothers.......

...The crazy thing about it all is my 2 brothers are both drug dealers! and one of them has crimes against children. The only difference between me and my brothers is that I did my crime and got the time in the past and I didn't hide it! I was one of those who didn't fuss!! Crime and Prison were 2 of the same! If ya get caught you're caught and Prison was only a minor hurdle for a while becasue one could function and maintain their lifestyle in prison as well as out of prison!!.....point being my brothers will get caught and end up sorry mental health cases because the are weak!!

Yep all the above could have sent me back on the...wrong side becasue I wanted to get them back! I was even contemplating letting the local authorities know,...but thought better, I never have and I never will lower myself to a nark. Thats why I'm still alive and many others are'nt. I left the scene with my honour intact.

People don't understand the extra work someone like me have to do. Actually there are'nt many people who understand full stop!