Getting to know me

Posted June 24th, 2007 by Prisonsabitch

Hi-
My name is Steven Lange. I'm just 40, a gay man with 2 sons from a previous, bisexual life, and I'm in the Federal Correctional Institute in Pekin, Illinois. I'm just about to come off of doing a the first decade of my time. I've got a year and a half left.
I first fell in '98. Assault with a deadly weapon-almost Attempted Murder. You see, for a few years before I came to prison, I was living in a whole other kind of prison. I was in a violent co-combative partnership. We were both addicted to drugs and everything that goes with the Circuit Party life, while trying to have a "normal" life by day, and raise a family. "Normal" got lost somewhere, and between our vascillating attempts --him, then me, him, then just me-- to stay clean, I knew I needed to get away. I couldn't "fix" him--his addiction or his unmedicated bi-polar rages. I had to get me and my son away. He was high--paranoid and violent--when he found us, and I finally fought back. Really fought back.
I told the truth about what happened, which was entirely self-defense.
He told his truth, which painted an obviously different picture.
They believed him.
Here I am.
My only prior arrest was a domestic violence charge, from when I tried locking him out once. I had also been committed to (L.A.'s) Cedar Sinai's Thalians Psych floor-- by him -- on two occasions, for drug overdoses. I was never violent-just bewildered and rather detached from reality.
Enough history for them to use against me at trial. After nine months at L.A. county hospital jail ward battling AIDS (10 years post-diagnosis then, now 20 years) and three very green or very jaded public defenders, I gave in, somehow believing in my addled, co-dependent brain up to the last minute that the ex-lover would come in and tell the truth.
He never did.
I signed a plea agreement for seven years, just as the Feds rushed in and took him away for his drug trafficking business. They also slapped a detainer on me as his accomplice--fairly easy to make a case for because of our shared accounts, mailing address, phone, fax, Fedex accounts etc.
Five more years. Consecutive.
So here I am. Finished with my state time back in California--where I met Craig (see http://www.over-the-wall.net/). I am now completing the Federal Time out in the buckle of the Bible Belt--northern division (rural Illinois.)
A few years into my sentence I began to write. Mostly cathartic stuff. Working through the string of isolation and righteous indignation. I had been pursuing a career at ABC/Disney, writing for daytime talk shows ("Regis and Kelly," "Ellen," "Rosie" type stuff) before the drugs and the "Burning Bed" series I'd cast myself in became reality.
You really run the risk of losing yourself here. Individuality, personal space and privacy are not respected. I made an early commitment not to assimilate so much--not become someone's "prison bitch"--or prison's bitch, really-- that I lose me. (I intended to call this Prison Bitch but the address was taken. A blog that has no entries.)
And I haven't lost me, for the most part. I've certainly gotten to know me, realized a few compromises and a little adaptation isn't so bitchifying. I realized I never even had me to lose--cause you have to find yourself before you can lose yourself, don't you? I'm still looking for myself, but I've definitely found a voice. One, throught this blog, that now you can hear.
STEVE

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STEVEN LANGE Can you help me?

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I have read your blog and feel for you. I was hoping that you could help me in some way. See, my husband Shawn Watt #06865-025 is in Pekin too. I know that it's a huge place and there are more prisoners there than I could ever imagine but I'm needing to contact him in some way. If my family finds out that I am even trying to get in touch with him they will file papers to take my daughter away from me. They say he's no good for me and I need to move on but that's just not an option. I love him so much and I haven't been able to get in touch with him in over 3 months. I know it's hard on him to not know if I'm okay or not. It's hard on me not being able to talk to him at all. I can't chance losing my girl. Anywho, if you could help me in anyway by just letting him know that I love him would be more than enough. If nothing else just let him know I said "until the wheels fall off" that would be great. He's tall bigger guy. Blue eyes like the sky on a hot summers day tattoo's on the underneath side of both forearms and is a welder with unicore like 6 days a week. You are blessed. Thank you for listening even if you can't help me.
Amanda Watt

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